Where C-SPAN is the local TV news
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| The Washington Canard Where C-SPAN is the local TV news |
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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
GREAT SPAMS OF THE INTERNET The spam filters at work are actually pretty good, and unfortunately (?) I don't get as much entertaining spam as I used to. At the very least, the filter software sends me an equally unwanted e-mail once per day to let me poke around the spam and see if there's anything useful (or retrieve an urgent message from my boss). But every once in awhile, something good slips through. So, let's open up that inbox... From: friedajanice@baywideweb.comIs that a question? i'm wild ChsristyThat must be very difficult to pronounce. ;0.That is not an emotion I am familiar with. Most of the time not that greate, because everyone tries to take adventage of me one way or another ..That would make you the opposite of Blanche DuBois, right? idea came to me to put my hot videos somehow online.Somehow is always a good way. I'm so excited about this site I have All it needs is age verification..You're the one who somehow made the site, so wouldn't you somehow know how old it is? Hope you'll anjoy my new hobby as much as I do :)Considering that I exist and you, "Chsristy," do not, I am sure you are correct. TRAUMNOVELLE The new editor of OSF writes from Eugene: So I was reading the Washington Canard and read about your mouse-killing dream and thought I would share with you what my dream dictionary says about mouse dreams: "to kill one signifies financial gain." Not so bad, eh? It could have said something like "to kill one signifies imminent death."I guess I have no grounds to object. Monday, November 29, 2004
THE CORRECTIONS
Saturday, November 27, 2004
NATIONALSISM AND ARTESTATION I may hold an English degree, but I failed to notice that the Washington Nationals will be the only team in the National League whose nickname suffers from zero-derivation. At least that will even things up. The American League has only one similarly afflicted team, the Oakland Athletics.More on that esoteric-yet-controversial linguistic phenomenon (in linguistics, is there any other kind?) here. Meanwhile, the Post's Mike Wilbon is very much correct about the rise of the "thug life" ethos in the NBA and the concurrent breakdown of personal responsibility among its players: It's a life that boasts incessantly about, "my drink," "my smoke," "my women," and "my rides." And it is a life based on getting "respect" at any cost ... [B]asketball, a decidedly team sport, doesn't exactly work with the theme of "my, my, my."The first consequence of the Motor City Melee was the unprecedented number and length of suspensions. The second may yet be a tide of lawsuits that will likely hold up better than the Kobe Bryant rape charge. But the one I'm holding out for is the NFL-style age requirement. Where's Bill Cosby when you need him? Wednesday, November 24, 2004
SQUIRMIN' VERMIN  On the walk from my Metro stop over to my office building yesterday, a co-worker and I somehow got on the conversation of vermin: rats, mice, cockroaches. She's from New York, where rats are apparently a fact of life. I'm of course from the Pacific Northwest, where it's pretty much just ants, since it's the rarest of occasions when a slug manages to get more than a foot past your kitchen door without being scooped up with recycle paper and tossed into the ravine behind your deck. (I think I speak for everyone here, right?) Out here, we've got it all: rats, mice, cockroaches. If you want to live in the city on the East Coast, well, you've got to put up with vermin.
I pretty much forgot all about the conversation after I'd sent her this collection of New York City rat bite maps. But as it is with such things, it's never far from your mind. Last night I dreamt that my apartment had a serious mouse problem. They'd just wander up next to me on my desk, and though I wasn't much afraid, I grabbed a heavy book and brought it down hard on the mouse. Apparently in the land of subcon, mouse-flattening is a bloodless affair. I then took the book to my back door and blew the thin carcass off my balcony. When I woke up this morning, I recalled this dream and got wondered (you could call it a premonition) if I might not run across one type of creepy crawler or another this day. Well, what do you know? While making myself a cup of coffee this afternoon, what did I see crawling up the side of my kitchen wall but an ugly brown cockroach? I'll never claim psychic powers, but somehow this just ... well, there you have it. I promptly grabbed my shoe and sent that roach to the big junkyard in the sky. That's six for six, you know. P.S. — More weirdness. A little while ago I heard what sounded kind of like a car crashing into a wall. I figured it was just another city sound, and kept watching LeBron James have a career night while dismantling the Detroit Pistons. On a commercial I got up to see if it was still raining, and what do I see? A fire truck and an EMS van on my corner. I step outside, and there's a white sedan slammed into the retaining wall on my corner. Maybe on Sunday I'll stay up late and call Art Bell. UPDATE — It's now a few hours since the game ended, and just before midnight now, that car is still there. Now the emergency vehicles have departed and the driver is hanging out with a Metro PD cop. Flares are set up around the car. Really, how long does it take to find a tow truck in this town? Monday, November 22, 2004
I AM A WASHINGTON NATIONALS FAN  I always was, I just didn't know it until the announcement at noon today. I'm not so thrilled about the logo at left, mostly because it's too wide. "NATIONALS" should be a tiny bit smaller so as to fit with the circle. It's also too busy — the only focal point is that big N-word across the middle, and it requires reading. Ugh. Think of the most popular baseball caps: the interlocked "NY" for Yankees, the letter "B" for Boston. Of course, both teams have different versions for more formal uses — though I'd like to point out that those logos are round. But the colors — red, white and blue — are spot on.
For haberdashering purposes, according to the Post, the logo will be "a curving 'W,' on a blue background and on a red background, presumably for home and away games." And of course, another "W" will be throwing out that first pitch next spring. I should also say, the name itself suits me just fine. It's classic, which is to say America-themed. "Senators" was the early front-runner until it ran afoul first of jilted former Senators fans and then of residents forever irked that the city (remember, it's a city!) has no representation in the U.S. Senate. Some argued for the "Grays," a throwback to the championship-winning Negro League team from DC. I would have agreed if the name was someting a little more, uh, colorful than "Grays." But the name "Nationals" has a history in DC as well, as a story at MLB.com explains. And perhaps more than any other city in this country (save for Williamsburg) we sure like our history. And you know what they say about Washington: First in war, first in peace, last in the UPDATE, MOMENTS LATER — Matt Drudge is such an idiot, a) for comparing the local Greens' anti-baseball demonstration to last week's pile-on at the Palace, and b) for pointing out that the new team name is "not really that new." Drudge, do everyone a favor and shut up.  I think what's afflicting him is what they call "freudeschaden."
UPDATE AGAIN — According to this website, the image at right is the old Nationals logo. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining. THINGS ARE LOOKING UPDATE — Everyone seems to agree. The Nationals logo looks like the National League's All-Star jersey, pictured below.  Remember, the city council hasn't voted accept the existing finance deal and the owners haven't voted to approve the sale, either. A few weeks ago, the city seemed ready to balk. Word is the Orioles' Angelos still isn't happy. But this is a city built on deals, right? So we'll deal with it. ALSO — Is this anything like the Atlanta Hawks being moved to Las Vegas or San Diego and being renamed the Westerns? No? Just asking. Sunday, November 21, 2004
THE LONG WALK Basically, we sign up to walk and sign up others if we wish (I didn't bother) to participate, and for every walker, the company they walk for pays another few thousand dollars or so. Frankly, I'm surprised a fleet of peripatetic Robin Hoods didn't sign up a fleet of fake walkers, and just say they showed up. Then again, I don't know that they didn't. At least in my group, one young lady from the office didn't show, and as far as I know, her name was unchecked and the evil corporate masters on the top floor (actually, I have nothing bad to say about the guy who cuts my paycheck) kept another few pennies while the city's homeless wander around in a cracked-out haze, asking me for money. Last week, when I claimed not to have any change (not true) one woman asked me for a sip of my Mt. Dew. I demurred. Not two blocks up I was once again approached by another woman (this one with teeth) who wanted some cash. Despite the fact that she "ain't a bum," I declined again. "Give me something good!" she yelled. But I still didn't. So: Was it morally wrong for our group leader to not check her off as present anyway? Was it morally wrong for her not to show up in the first place? Was I wrong to keep my precious change to myself? Is this all just fatuous hand-wringing? Tis the season. Saturday, November 20, 2004
NBA ACTION IS FANTASTIC  I can't say I entirely agree with FLOG™ about the big Pacers-Pistons brawl already being suggested as the biggest sports fight ever (by people who get linked to by Instapundit). FLOG™ argues this is no "great stain on the game" because this fights are just a fact of phsyical competition. Like car crashes at NASCAR. "Battle is battle, no matter how many rules and rituals you lacquer over it," he writes. I agree, up to a point.
Yes the fans were assholes, especially that asshole who threw the plastic cup of liquid "debris" at Ron Artest. But for throwing punches at non-players, I don't think it unreasonable that a couple of Indiana Pacers be suspended for the season. (David Stern may agree, considering the four suspended players are out "indefinitely.") I like a good fight as much as anyone, and of course there are fights among players in other sports a lot more than basketball, but rarely with the fans. I think there's something to be said for drawing a line of acceptable player-fan interaction -- because otherwise Stern is just going to bring in a row of cops for every game. Pretty soon we'll be taking our shoes off before going into the arena. And maybe basketball players could stick to punching someone at their own earning level -- that's how they do it in boxing. I believe in the necessity of war, but I also believe in upholding charges of war crimes. What I'm doing is drawing a line in the sand, saying: This aggression will not stand, man. But don't get me wrong -- I love this story. Now, a few words for you guys:     P.S. -- I'm not even watching the Civil War game tonight, unless it magically appears on TBS. Blog has more here (of all places) and here, with discussion. Friday, November 19, 2004
ANDY BOROWITZ = NOT FUNNY, NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT  Who is Andy Borowitz, and why am I even bothering to point out how unfunny he is? Well, Andy is a contributor to the New Yorker, a regular on CNN's "American Morning," and the proprietor of BorowitzReport.com, which is like The Onion without an edge or ScrappleFace without an agenda -- and like both without the humor. He also "created" the "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." At least nominally -- his wife co-created and neither had any further writing or directing credits on the program, which succeeded solely due to the blinding charisma of Will Smith.
He's worth noting because he is not funny. At all. For example, he contributed captions to pictures of various "October Surprises" for the September 24 issue of the New Yorker: "Tom Ridge raises threat level to 'John Kerry threw away his medals.'"I know. You're about to wet yourself. Let's take his recent headlines from this month alone. They include "Peterson Jurors No Longer Remember Trial," "Democrats already focusing on losing in 2008," "Canada reports huge jump in migration" and "Ashcroft named Ambassador to Mars." Borowitz's cutting intellect skewers the fact that heavily publicized trials take too long, Democrats have lost a lot of presidential elections, disaffected liberals are grousing about leaving the country, and in a pinch the word "Ashcroft" will suffice for an actual joke. To which I can only respond: Ha ha ha ha! Where does he come up with this stuff? Just after the election he showed up on MSNBC's "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" to crack wise about the presidential election and evaluate the meaningless oracles everybody likes to consult. Now, Olbermann thinks of himself as a comedian as well, and if you've never seen Olbermann force himself to laugh at jokes by a guest brought on specifically for entertainment purposes while trying -- and in fact failing -- to one-up said guest's humor quotient, I invite you to read the following and cringe along with me: OLBERMANN: Let's start down with breakdown of the Redskins. The previous 17 elections, if they lost their last home game before the vote, the incumbent lost the presidency. Oops. On the other hand, the fine folks at 7-Eleven offered coffee in cups with each candidate's name on them and they sold more Bush cups. What is the lesson we can draw from these two rights and wrongs here?It sure is. Wednesday, November 17, 2004
AND YOU THOUGHT FLORIDA WAS CLOSE With nearly 3 million votes cast in Washington's gubernatorial race, Republican Dino Rossi leads this morning by 19 votes. Yesterday, Democrat Christine Gregoire led by 158. On Monday it was Rossi by a few thousand. One can only assume by tomorrow Gregoire will be ahead by three-tenths of a vote. But I remain confident that in the end Rossi will win the governor's mansion by a margin of .067 votes. Monday, November 15, 2004
FUN WITH NEXIS  By sheer coincidence, this was the Carville-st, Matalin-est weekend in some time. Most notably the bipartisan couple appeared on "Meet the Press" to discuss the election results. Carville -- you must have heard by now -- cracked a raw egg on his own rather egg-like forehead. Carville had boldly predicted a big Kerry win on the show in week's past, and so long as he had figurative egg on his face, literal egg was not such a big deal. Nor much of a surprise, when you recall his wastebasket hat from the 2002 midterms. Carville had already been publicly wringing his hands about the future of his party, not to mention has been front-and-center trying to rationalize John Kerry's loss. When Vice President Cheney made an unexpected trip to the hospital this weekend, Matalin stepped in as his unofficial spokesperson, as she often does. I've also been watching their short-lived, often intriguing but ultimately disappointing, Soderbergh/Clooney-produced HBO series, "K Street."
These two have been ubiquitous since 1992, when even I as a politically dim young teenager knew who James Carville and Mary Matalin were. (Back when he was the winner and she was the loser. Boy how things have changed.) Remember that godawful Michael Keaton/Geena Davis (not to mention Christopher Reeve and Ernie Hudson) movie "Speechless"? Uh, me neither. All of which got me wondering: What's the first newspaper article to mention these two at the same time, either accidentally or informedly? I fired up Nexis, which returned this bit from a now-defunct "Charlotte's Web" gossip column in the March 8, 1991 edition of the Washington Times: Just hanging out?Now I know and so do you. And aren't you glad you did? Well, aren't you? THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN I'm back. No really, I'm back now. Really. But I've missed a lot. Let's see if I can recap:
Monday, November 08, 2004
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other hand, Manny Ramirez, I am pretty sure, did not know there was an election this week. So you don't go to him. The 7-Eleven thing, I just throw all that out, because, in that same period, 7-Eleven moved a record number of ketchup packages, which should have been very good for Kerry.
Redskins-Packers — The Redskins blew it, of course. And so did I, for mixing up the exact nature of the predictive tradition: It was the Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons' (as per 
Election 2004 — I reckon you heard about this one. I was awake for more than a day-and-a-half, working hard at first, then slowly as my blood sugar and blood caffeine levels dropped. Eventually my judgment clouded to the point that I danced with a rubber wastebasket, briefly, in front of a C-SPAN camera crew. Sometime around the middle of the morning I was released from my workplace duties, and I went home to drink. Drink, yes -- but in agony or ecstasy? The answer is not hard to find out, but I'm trying to keep that kind of thing off this blog. Enough already do that. If you want to see a picture of me from early in the evening (contrary to the erroneous captioning) then 
